No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
