FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
