Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
