Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize