I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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