question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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