this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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