Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I think my vagina is haunted
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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