I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
