sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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