Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
