I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You are a genius and a whore.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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