i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
