I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
