all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You are the jesus of drinking
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
