I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
