Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
