i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
