No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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