There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
