i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
