weddingsv make me drug and hornr
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize