Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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