I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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