I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
