i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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