I wish my penis had an off switch
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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