someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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