burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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