Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize