Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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