can we get nightvision for the apartment?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
