She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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