And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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