Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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