If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
