yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
