My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
