too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
