I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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