People with herpes should wear stickers.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
