mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
