It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
