Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
