I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
