I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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