I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
