You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
