3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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