So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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