My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
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