I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
