Ketchup is God's man juice
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize