dude i'm inner monologue high
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
