I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
