Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
