she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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