literally had 100 drinks last night.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
