All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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