i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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